Control Freak . . .Part 1
Harsh reality about myself and my relationship with God
It’s been a while since I last made a post, but I am here to catch you up on all the things that I have recently relearned about myself and life in general.
As of today, I have been back home for a week from spending time at a beautiful, restful, and restoring Retreat. Something I didn’t even know I needed. I have come back home with a new perspective and a better understanding of myself and my relationship with God. The biggest reveal I received was about how much of a control freak I actually am. Hear me out, I already knew this about me if I’m being honest. I don’t know how to explain it fully yet, but it just hit different while I was away, completely unplugged, and fully focusing on what God wanted to share with me. It is so layered, all the things I learned were shown, and now I have to unlearn. Before I tell you more about where I think my control issues come from and my game plan, let’s back up a bit so you have some context.
It’s been some time since I sat down and wrote something because I simply couldn't find the words. My brain was full of things to share with you all, and I still want to share those things at some point, but I couldn't get them down on paper. I tried every day for a week straight until I gave in and gave up on doing it. I don’t know if I would call it writer's block, but I think it is what I was experiencing. Sometimes I feel like writer's block comes more when you are trying to write a creative piece, but can’t figure out which direction you want to go. I think I am discovering it's much more than that. Especially when I was writing a short memoir last year. I would stop writing or couldn't write sometimes when life was feeling too heavy. It’s strange because I do think writing also helps ease some of the busyness of our minds when life is heavy. So I can’t comprehend both things to be true for me. However, what I think I have been experiencing for the past few weeks is pure exhaustion. Exhaustion has caused me to be more silent outwardly, but my thoughts have been far from silent. Not in a good way either. I think I was straddling the line of having a mental breakdown.
For two weeks, I found myself unable to regulate my emotions well. I felt a constant vibration in my body. Everyone's voices were amplified. I found myself more irritated by everything. I was being irrational with all my feelings. I couldn't calm my mind from racing thoughts, or calm my spirit. I’ve had this trip to go to this Retreat planned for a few months, and as I was getting closer to the date of going, I was very excited to be away from work for a full week, but not for why you are probably thinking. It’s actually a Retreat that my job hosts, called the Keys To Freedom Retreat. It’s a faith-based retreat, and it’s based on the counseling curriculum that we do in our Residential homes. It’s all about getting to the root of the problem, building a stronger relationship with God, and finding freedom from the life-crushing things that happened to us, maybe in the past, that hold us back in our everyday lives. Keys to build and have for the rest of your life. Well, I work there and I have done the Bible Study version of it multiple times before and even just got done leading a group of women in the study at the beginning of the year. So I already know the material and I don’t think I will learn anything new or that God will speak to me loud and clear about anything. I just want to go so that I can have a week away from my life. I work three jobs, seven days a week, with no days off. I’m a single mom trying to navigate my son’s life because he has a busy schedule as well. So I was going because I wanted a break from my life. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a break where I can turn off my phone.
“I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t calm down. I’m exhausted” was a constant thought of mine. The closer I got to the date of leaving for the retreat, the more I thought about how I didn’t want to come back to this feeling. Just hoping that maybe things will be better and I can handle my emotions better, just because I will have a break from it. I had a session with my Counselor two weeks before I left, and explained some of these things to her. Her response was, “You’re burnt out or very close to it. How can you find ways to lessen the number of things that you are doing so you can find rest?”
I don’t know why I never thought about being burned out, but it never crossed my mind until she mentioned it! So I thought of a few things! Things that would help me be more rested and have some breathing room once I get back from the Retreat. I sent her my list of things I came up with, told her I’d report back to her on what I was able to accomplish when I got back from the retreat. I then had the conversations I needed to have with coworkers and supervisors. I thought it was a pretty good game plan, so then I was even more excited to leave for the retreat because it would mean I’m closer to these changes being made (if they could be made).
Okay, now that you’ve been brought up to speed on the chaos of my life and my emotions the entire month of March and beginning of April, let me tell you how this retreat went. . .
The things I got out of this retreat, I think, will be life-changing for me. It already has been.
As soon as we got there, I started feeling grateful for the parents I have. It was random, but it was really on my heart about how blessed I am to have parents like them. They have allowed me to flourish just by the many ways they have helped me. This random feeling about my relationship with my parents would be the start of God revealing another part of me that needs to be healed in the layered onion of my life. It wasn’t a coincidence, but I wouldn’t fully figure that out until the second-to-last day. So many revelations came to me about the things that I do and why I do them. I won’t go into them today, but I will one day (am I hinting at something? Maybe? Maybe not?). For now, I will share the big picture that has reshaped my thinking, my faith, and how I want to live the rest of my life.
THE BIG REVEAL 🥁🥁🥁
I treat my relationship with God as I treat my relationship with my parents.
It’s not bad, but it could be sooooo much better. Let me explain.
I know my parents well, I trust them, and I love them dearly. I know that they love me dearly and are always there for me if I need them. I’m always around them, and I love being around them and in their company. They are my safe place. I wouldn’t want a world without them in it. But I don’t share everything with them. I really just live my life, and if a problem occurs, I don’t go to them about it and ask for help. I try to figure it out on my own. I’ll come up with Plan A, B, C, and even sometimes D, before I go talk to them about it. By the time I do go talk to them, I have mostly already struggled my way through to some solution. Their response is always something along the lines of “Why didn’t you just come ask for help? We could have helped you?” Or my favorite, “You’re doing too much and causing more stress on yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself to us.”
(I’m hoping at this point you can see where I’m going. If not, I’m going to make it more clear, don’t worry.)
That is also how I treat my relationship with God. Below is the same thing I just said, but with God in place of my parents:
I know God well, I trust Him, and I love Him dearly. I know that He loves me dearly and is always there for me, if I need Him. I’m always around Him, and I love being around Him and in His company. He is my safe place. I wouldn’t want a world without Him in it. But I don’t share everything with Him. I really just live my life, and if a problem occurs, I don’t go to Him about it and ask for help. I try to figure it out on my own. I’ll come up with Plan A, B, C, and even sometimes D, before I go talk to Him about it. By the time I do go talk to Him, I have mostly already struggled my way through to some solution.
God’s response to me was made clearer to me through my time at the retreat. It’s always been the same as my parents’ response. . .“Why didn’t you just come ask for help? I want to help you?” “You don’t have to prove yourself to me.”
I have simply been blown away by how God spoke to me and by the process of getting to the realization of why I behave in working myself to the ground and never asking for help when I can.
I plan everything that happens in my life. I always have a schedule. I stay busy. I always have a goal that I want to accomplish and always find my way to it, doing it MY WAY. I live on the mantra of “If I don’t do it, nobody else will,” and “If you want something done right, you do it yourself.” I try to control every aspect of my life because I want to accomplish things so my son has a good, if not better, life. My drive to be the best mom and provide for him has been the thing driving me to exhaustion. Nobody told me I had to do all of this. I’m working so hard to prove what to whom?? I don’t know anymore lol, at first my parents, and God, and then I guess it’s been myself. I don’t know. But I do know that I’m done being that exhausted.
So before I left the Retreat, I decided I want to be more Type B than Type A. I want things to roll off my back. I don’t want to be shaken when things don’t go as planned. I want to be home more and work less. I want slower mornings. I want to enjoy the now and be present with my family and friends. I’m tired of being tired all the time. Unfortunately, I’m still a Type A personality, so I did plan how I was going to get here (can’t help myself). I have a game plan! Things have already been moving smoothly on the list I made for my Counselor. I’m walking into May working fewer hours, sleeping better, and figuring out a slower routine.
I am coming back rested, refreshed, and with an intention to stay in this space. At least that is my intention. I am already finding it hard to do. I will share more about this in my next blog post because this one is already entirely too long for my liking. This is definitely going to have a part two.
If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading my random thoughts and supporting me. If you feel led, please feel free to share this post for others to read. Share it with the friend you think needs to hear it, too.
Want the Cliff Notes of this? I got you below.
THE SHORT VERSION OF THIS POST, IF YOU SKIPPED AHEAD:
I have been burned out for the last two months, and didn’t realize it.
I made a list of things to do to prevent any further burnout and have made some of those changes.
I went to a Retreat and while I was there learned about myself.
God wants to help me, as do my parents, but I rarely ask for help. So I plan on bringing things to God more often.
I’m exhausted because I have done so to myself.
I am coming back from the retreat with a new mindset.
I am attempting to be more Type B rather than Type A.
Five Good Things:
I put a pause on one of my jobs.
I now work fewer hours at my second job.
I had my first board meeting this week for my nonprofit organization
I have been sleeping better the last few days.
I am off this weekend!
Two At Least I’m Nots:
In desperate search of a job at this moment, in this job market.
Working this weekend. (Can you tell how grateful I am for that lol).