Evolving In Silence
Faith. Frustration. Character. Becoming.
I have been very close to being labeled as the angry little Black girl over the last three weeks. My attitude and rage has been very close to a ten on the scale and I haven't been very quiet about it either. I’ve had a lot of hurt feelings and even more opinions in spaces where I am normally safer to go with the flow. Safer because I am of a darker complexion and unfortunately it is a reality that I have been taught to be aware of due to not having the same privileges. That in of itself is also infuriating. I don't have the same privileges of my lighter counterparts so I have to be very strategic in voicing my opinions or calling people not out - but higher.
I code switch and more recently have learned to run an email through ChatGPT to make sure it’s nice enough. Not passive or direct but assertively nice and professional. It’s annoying.
However, I’m learning to not shout everything from the mountaintops and to move in silence. I just make a note and pin it, for later.
This is not just because I don't want to be labeled as a mad black woman (quite frankly, I don’t care as much as that top paragraph may lead you to believe), but because I feel like God loves me enough and has a plan for me that I wish to not ruin because of my mouth or actions. I feel God has been teaching me to not only move in silence but to be slower to speak for multiple reasons.
For one, I don’t want to be embarrassed. I’m a dreamer and I have really big ideas and dreams for myself and my kid. Sometimes they are a little out there and can be larger than life. So I reel it in and don’t share because I don’t want to be judged or hear that I’m once again doing too much and need to calm down.
Those comments are crushing and I’d rather not hear them. The second reason is simply I don’t feel the need to anymore. In this slower season I’ve been embracing since April, God has been doing some big character development work in me.
Last week and even earlier this week I felt like God hasn’t been speaking to me and I’ve been earnestly seeking direction for what He has next for me. I have felt nothing. I am asking for BIG CLEAR signs and getting nothing.
This morning I woke up and realized I’ve been doing all this talking and haven't shut up long enough to hear anything. I’ve been doing so much internal spiraling that I almost missed it some days.
It hit me that He actually has been talking to me—just not in the BIG CLEAR signs about what I’ve been seeking and asking. Instead, He’s been showing me how to handle situations and also correcting me in my responses with scripture, sermons, conversations with others, and even my own personal experiences or words.
I’ve been reading through a lot of books in the Bible recently and it’s been fun. I never thought that I would say that either. Never! But it has been!
Each book has a message and some tidbits to help with redefining my own flaws. Within the last two months I have read seven books of the Bible, in no particular order, and I will soon be wrapping up number eight. It’s probably really sad to say that I haven’t ever done that before—but I haven’t. You can't hurt my feelings about it either because it is legit boring in some parts.
Anyway, I have now been more interested, and I have been seriously enjoying it.
I’ve been able to see how God will use many different things that are unpleasant, unfavorable, or that we would rather not be a part of as ways to teach and correct us on.
Also, with people I find it very hard to give compassion to. I’d often like to look the other direction or find a way out like Jonah. Meanwhile, while I’m trying to look for a way out, He is asking me to be in a place so He can work through me.
He’s asked me to not play on words of others and also watch the words that I say to and about others as it could affect other people more than I think.
It could cause them to act out of their own character, say the wrong things, or worse, lose their own faith. I want to call people higher and closer to Jesus, not wreck any idea or thoughts they have about Him.
In a moment where I had been feeling lost and unsure if I was going down the right path, God allowed me to be reinspired by my own life and words.
A friend of mine is a bestselling author—she’s writing another book and asked me if she could include part of my story in it a few months ago. A few weeks ago I was sent the draft to view it before she sent it off to her editor. To say I was blown away by it would be an understatement. I was speechless.
She spoke of me so well and shined a light on me that I wouldn’t voluntarily shine on myself. It was nice to take a look at myself through the eyes of others.
Becoming Her—Slowly, Softly, and Intentionally
I’ll be 30 in a little over a month, and I’m grateful to be experiencing this season of slowness and character development. I keep the words of a mentor at the forefront of my mind, “Enjoy these last days of your twenties,” and I’ve taken that to heart.
These days, I’m:
Taking slow morning walks
Spending more time in my Bible
Enjoying quiet time
Doing circuit training and Pilates
And planning to declutter my closet as I step into something new
I’m on my way to reinventing myself—and my lifestyle—before I step into thirty.
Final Words
I’m excited about entering my next season—quietly, slowly, and thriving with more intention and faith.
To be just as bold, but with more grace, peace, and joy pouring out of me.
Not shrinking.
Not spiraling.
Just evolving.
I trust that the best for me is still unfolding.
If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading!! If this resonated with you, leave a comment or share it with someone who’s also in a season of stretching and growing.
PACHION!!! Period!!!!!!! So proud of you friend and so glad to know you! Praying for you and with you in this season 💕