February Fear

Leaving my mindset of panic

It’s the end of the month, and I have managed to write nothing. I had been so on top of things in January, and I was getting so much done to accomplish my goals. Then I fell off. Not completely, but I slowed down, and I think I was mentally and emotionally drained. Everything was great until the last week of January. The plane crash, all the executive orders, and work seemingly falling apart (again). Things were feeling out of my control, and it was happening fast. I felt like my own goals were going to now be affected by all the change that was happening. I started this year with a plan, and I had (still do) every intention to see it all through. But in 1 week, it was all threatened. That hasn’t changed, honestly, what has changed is my perspective.

For years, I have felt every time I take two steps forward, I get knocked ten steps back immediately. It doesn’t matter what it is; the world and economy are always working against me, and it is frustrating. I can’t win for losing. I get a degree; well you need another one to do the job you want. I get the degree, get the job, and think I'll finally have more income to support my kid. Well then gas prices and groceries skyrocket and now I'm not making enough and have created more debt for myself because I have to start using my credit card to help myself. That's just one example.

Currently, I have been walking around with fear of my future since the end of January because, again, once it rains, it pours. There are so many players that I can’t get into, but imagine working all of your life for all the things that bring typical humans joy, and on a random day, you lose your job, your wife dies, your house catches fire, and you spring your ankle.

I’m being dramatic (if you know me, you’re not surprised). Of course, that didn’t happen to me, but each event has felt just as devastating.

My problem is I think of the worst-case scenario as soon as something goes left. My dad always tells me I go to the extreme too often. My sister has made the joke that I have “panic” in my name. She’s not wrong I do- PACHION. .P A N I C . . just delete some letters and then move the others around a bit, and you’ll see it. Unfortunately, it’s true. I will push all of the buttons in the elevator and slide down the wall crying first, and then I’ll pick myself up and come up with a game plan.

So, naturally, the first two weeks of February were filled with mass hysteria. I lost all sight of what my plans were. Instead, I ran around like Chicken Little, crying about how the sky was falling.

If, for some odd reason, you don’t know what Chicken Little is. It is a movie for children, and this little chicken was seeing the sky fall in little squares, and he ran around town screaming and yelling, telling everyone how everything was falling apart.

That’s what I was doing. I talked to friends, family, coworkers, my pastors, and anybody in my orbit that I felt would understand and also guide me. But same as that chicken. I had to figure it out on my own.

If you look up the theme of the movie, you’ll find a variety of explanations written and worded differently but with the same intended message. The film shows children to be brave, have courage, and seek the truth even when it feels like the sky is falling.

During many of my conversations and Bible studies, I got a lot of clarity. Not about what was happening around me, but my reaction and understanding of things. Many of the things happening have nothing to do with me, but they are affecting me due to my underlying fear of failure.

Fear that I will lose my job.

Fear that my family will look different than what I want it to.

Fear that I don’t have enough time.

Fear that I will never be able to accomplish my dreams.

Fear that I will never be able to provide for my son the way I want to.

Fear that I will never be good enough.

& not because I am not working hard or accomplishing things. Simply because I cannot control the things of this world.

I will have to continue to strive to prove myself to those around me and society and continually get nowhere in life.

However, once I come back to reality, I have to realize I am crushing myself with my overthinking. Those are thoughts and not my reality. In reality:

I haven’t lost my job, in fact, I now have three jobs that have fallen into place perfectly at the moment.

My family is fine right now, and even if that changes. God is still good.

I need to live in the moment.

I have accomplished many of my dreams so far and I will acheive the new ones when the time comes.

I am providing for my son now, and have been since he was born with God leading the way. He is fine, has been fine, and we will be fine.

I am good enough, and I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

All this to say, I am going to stay the course of my plan for my life as it is, even with all the things going on around me. Even with multiple things out of my control, I am still in control of a few areas, and I can focus on those things. Being in fear leaves you paralyzed in life. I don’t want to be stuck in the same place. I stopped writing. I have to stop doing that when things look hard! I am not helping myself accomplish anything by dropping the ball each time life gets a little scary for me.

I also could be fearful for no reason at all and could be self-sabotaging. Over the last few weeks, I have had several conversations, and while my speculations have been confirmed, it oddly gave me peace. The unknown is scary, and our minds often take us to the worst. Nine times out of ten, what we think will happen doesn’t happen.

I am learning to live in the moment and slow down enough to recognize what is within my control and what isn’t. I am also trusting that God is in all the details of my life. He has shown up for me in many ways this month it's been so refreshing! I honestly think this has been the loudest He has been to me in a while. So, for now, even though things are still going south in some areas around me, I've decided I'll just cross those bridges when I get there. I will continue to work harder to pay off some things. I will start the paperwork for my passion project, promoting my book more, and will be launching my new website soon. I have got to stay the course.

Five Good Things:

1. I now have 3 jobs, but they fit into my life to where my schedule hasn’t changed too much.

2. I officially became an adult and got a Sam’s Club membership for only $20! ( A random deal this week)

3. I was able to get my son a new bedroom set sooner than expected.

4. Even with some chaos at work, I am feeling at peace.

5. My apartment is clean so I feel like I can breathe.

(Honorable Mention) Our book is still hitting some #1 categories!!!

Two At Least I’m Nots:

1. At least I’m not having to scramble to look for work right now.

2. At least I’m not without supportive people in my life.

Lesson In Short: Even when your world is falling apart, be strong, think logically and not as much with your emotions, create a plan, and stick to it. Trust that God will work out your path.

If you have gotten this far in reading, thank you for being here! If this post encouraged you at all or made you think of someone who needs to see that they aren’t alone, would you please share it with them? If you feel like you’d even like to chat about anything I said, feel free to shoot me a message :)