I Hate Being A Single Mom

but I love my village

Unfortunately, this isn’t the most positive post but more of me processing my feelings.

Someone posted a question on Facebook this weekend that said in part “How do you afford being a single mom . .?”

My immediate answer. . .you can’t. I can’t anyway. I don’t. It’s hard and I hate it if I am being honest. There’s assistance yea, but only if you qualify. Personally, I didn’t ever qualify for much. I received WIC until my son was 5. I was able to receive free daycare twice. The first time was during my internship for undergrad, but I had to quit my job to qualify because I made too much, making $9.00 part time at Starbucks. The second time I received free daycare was during the Pandemic because I was an essential worker. I believe it was that summer I was able to get food stamps for a month. I, of course, was able to get health insurance through the state, until I was kicked off last year. I’ve always been in the position where I make too much to get assistance but make too little to really survive. Honestly, I’m blessed but it’s been frustrating.

In my response back to her, I encouraged her to take it one day at a time, find resources around her city, and to find her village.

I’ve always heard it takes a village to raise kids, but I didn’t understand it until I had my own child. I’ve been doing this single mom life gig since I was 17 and I have never really gotten used to it. It has just become my norm. My village of people has been all the assistance that I have needed. My parents, siblings, friends, aunts, uncles, and family friends. I know I say it repeatedly, but I seriously would have made it this far if it wasn’t for my village. Even with them, I have good and bad days with my feelings and emotions related to being a single mom. First and foremost, I didn’t lay down by myself to create a baby and I also am not the modern virgin Mary. Even more irritating is that Mary wasn’t really a single mom, she had help from a supportive partner.

Anyways, I guess it’s been hitting me a bit harder the last few weeks in a more negative sense. As each passing year goes on, I am probably getting more frustrated with my singleness—but the last few weeks have been harder.

I have goals and dreams for myself and my son. I’ve always wanted to be a mom but you know, a wife first. In my strive for wanting better, I called myself going to school and trying to start a business and got myself in a bit of a debt issue. One of my goals is to buy a house, and in order to do that, I was told I need to lower my debt-to-income ratio. I was informed by a realtor or loan person (I don’t know, I’m just a girl—but I know there’s a difference) that if I was to get my credit card payments lower, they could give me a loan for a house. Well, I owe quite a bit and my interest rate is HIGH. I have been trying to pay it off for years and haven’t made a dent. So late last year I finally got honest with myself and decided I needed to get a part-time job to pay off this debt.

However, I am an aggressive goal person sometimes and I somehow now work three jobs. I’m thankful and excited about them. They fit in my schedule well and are in things I’m very passionate about. In the long run, they will help me fast track me reaching this goal to financial freedom.

But over the past week, I have been feeling a lot of regret. I don’t have much time for my son anymore, and I hate it. I want my freedom back. I want to go home and go straight to bed. I want to go to the park randomly. I want to do all the fun things with my family and friends without them having to work around my crazy schedule.

This is not what living life should be about. Work, work, work, just to pay a bill. When is life supposed to fit into all of that? I don’t believe that life is about all work and no fun. But that’s what my life is right now. I keep telling myself this is just a season, because it is. I’ve also been reminding myself that I have lived through worse financial situations.

I’m exhausted from trying so hard all the time. I know I’m not the only one, but most days I feel alone in it.

I often think I need a man to save me, and maybe if I had a little help, things wouldn’t be so bad. That’s just the loneliness talking. I’ve been my most pathetic self this past week. I have said some things out loud that if a friend of mine would have said it we would be having a “Come To Jesus” meeting. However, I don’t see myself settling with anything or for anyone that I am uncomfortable with or that doesn’t make me happy. I work hard to get what I want in most things - even if it takes a while. So, if you see me do or say something crazy . . . tell me like it is. Don’t be too mean though, I’m sensitive lol

I know I typically end my posts with some form of encouragement, and I will do my best to do that, but I’d be lying if I said finding encouragement about something so painful to me isn’t hard. Every time someone encourages me about this topic area, I feel I get more agitated.

So my encouragement for this week is to just keep going! Find your village and use them when you can! I say this because as I think back about the hard times I have been through and how I was able to get through them — I have my village to thank.

When I started college, the daycares were full so while we were on the waiting list for 6 months, my aunts and uncles watched my son for me. When I worked late or wanted a night out with friends (I was young and even if I wasn’t, parents deserve a break. So don’t come for me.), my parents watched him. My pastor introduced me to the Executive Director of my internship, and that season was the pivotal moment I needed to find my passion and purpose. I’m able to have three jobs because of my parents and friends willing to help watch my son. I have multiple people outside of my immediate family, I know I can count on to go get my son, say I am unable to. I have so many other examples but this is enough, that I feel I’m getting the point across. You can’t do it without a village behind you. Go find your village!

If you are a villager to a person, help them find resources, or better yet, ask them how you can help. Sometimes, they just need an ear, or someone to brainstorm with. Also, you never know how they can in turn be there for you one day.

If you have found this blog post to be relatable or helpful to you, or maybe it would be helpful to a friend, so that they know they aren’t alone, please share it.

I’ll end here with some helpful reminders of the good I have going on in my life.

Five Good Things:

1. I am a free woman and can do what I want without running it by someone first

2. I’m not dependent on anyone.

3. I just landed a speaking engagement.

4. My work is NOT going unnoticed.

5. My daddy just celebrated 56^th years of life!

Two At Least I’m Nots:

1. At least I’m not stuck in a crappy situationship.

2. At least I’m not working 3 jobs I hate.