New Confidence

A reflection on the past year, a vision for the next.

New Year, New Website, but same ole me!

Well, not really the same me, that would be ridiculous not to have some form of growth over time.

The last year has been full of growth—mostly unexpected, forced, and hard growth. For most of the last year, my confidence in myself and self-worth in general was in a constant cycle of being torn down, built up, and diminished again, over and over again, month after month. I learned a lot about myself and my relationships with people—platonic and romantic. It wasn’t a completely washed-up year, though; I did have some exciting things take place and a lot of firsts. Unfortunately, the negative may have outweighed the good. I don’t ever want a repeat of any of the hiccups I encountered.

Repeated feelings were that I was incapable of doing things and wasn’t enough for certain people. I cried probably over 100 times this year- I don’t know if I stopped tracking in May. Some years are harder than others, I guess, but I never want to experience all of what I did all at once again if I can help it. I had so many goals, wants, and dreams that were ripped from me, and it was all out of my control. At the end of the year, when I finally realized that the majority of what happened was outside of my control, things changed for me. I have to let things be and move around. I’m very proud of myself for how I handled myself and carried all of my big feelings this year. I can only control so much. The biggest thing I can control is myself and my thoughts. My biggest goal going into this year is to better myself. Build myself up for bigger and better and challenge myself to take action towards the things I’ve wanted to do for years.

I can do hard things is my new motto for the year 2025. I’m a big girl and can do big girl things. But I need to swallow my pride, look inward, and seriously do the work to make some changes to get to where I want to be in life.

Over the last year, amid the messy life I was living, I spent most of my time writing a chapter for a book that will be coming out later this month. During the writing process, I learned a lot about myself. My younger and more naive self. At some point through the writing process and getting to know all the women I wrote alongside, I felt like maybe I was just complaining about my life and how it came out due to my own life choices. However, in reality, she’s gone through a lot and has walked a mile in some really hard shoes. She did hard things and made life happen. That’s all when I was younger and not as wise as I am today, so things should be getting better now. At least, I hope so.

I realized that I have swept a lot of things and big feelings under the rug and that there have been many things that still drive me and my decision-making today. I still have those big feelings about things in my life and how my life is going even now. I decided this year I’m making changes just like the usual hype of the new year, the new me, that everyone seems to do. However, it will be a little different. I’m going to focus on myself again. I reflected, and the best year that I have had was in 2021. I got so much done, and I was so happy. By the end of that year, I had rebuilt my self-confidence and my self-worth. It’s about time I make that happen again. The goal is to be able to go through life huddles without being completely torn down and feeling like nothing ever again. No job, health issues, man, friendship, or any other person I come in contact with should have that effect on me ever again. I want to know who I am and demand the respect I deserve. I want to be treated fairly in everything- and that’s not a hard ask. I’m worth it. I’m worth the time of others’ love and basic respect. I’m kind to others, and I deserve some kindness back.

I want to be better and do things I said I was going to do and execute it. I don’t want to be scared anymore and then back down because I don’t know how and will have to figure it out on my own. Fear has gotten me nowhere in life but only held me back. I can do hard things. I’m a little bit more confident in myself now because I’ve had the time to reflect on how my journey got started and have thought long and hard about the many things I have accomplished along the way.

I’m excited for this year. Despite the wild winds of bouts of crying because of unpleasant feelings due to some random memory- I’m excited. I have a new website (reasons for that will be announced in the coming months), I have a book that I am a part of coming out, I have some fun trips coming up, and I turn 30 this year!

I plan to remember the things I’ve achieved in my life and how far I’ve come thus far. I plan to take my health seriously, go back to counseling, and go back to the gym. I booked a counselor and signed up for a new gym that’s closer to my house. That way, I don't have any excuses. I made a pack with a coworker to keep each other accountable so we can at least get through 75 medium. I’m also going to follow the 12-week year this year. I’ve heard good things about it, and my sister did it last year, and she crushed a lot of her goals. No more dating apps for a while. My heart needs a break. I have much to look forward to, and I think that will keep me happy for the better portion of the first part of the year.

I don’t know what it is about 30, but I just feel like this year, great things are going to happen. I need them to. They have to. My 20

s have been filled with pain and misery, if I’m honest with myself. This year, I have every intent to enjoy every part of it and build a newer version of myself.

Well, that’s enough for now. I hope you all stick around for the ride! Hopefully, it’s good to all of us.

While you’re here- check out the new website: www.pachionbreona.com

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