Control Freak: Part 1.5 – The Sweetest Reminder
Reflections on how control has affected my mothering and my motivation to slow down.
I have taken for granted the time that I have here on Earth with those I love. I’ve kept myself so busy trying to do all the things to be able to provide for myself and my son so that we can have the life I envision, and I’ve missed the whole point.
This post could easily stand on its own as a proud mama moment, but if you’ve been following my “Control Freak” series, you’ll see how this ties in. The truth is, the person who has shown me how much I need to let go… is my son.
At the time of this blog's posting, my son will be celebrating his twelfth birthday. . . .
TWELVE WHOLE YEARS HAVE FLOWN RIGHT PAST ME AND I FEEL LIKE I WASTED THEM!
I don’t know what made me realize it earlier this week, but it hit me hard while I was driving him to school. I’ve never been the mom who cries at every new milestone, but I did this week. I was just overwhelmed wth emotions – more disappointment with myself. I felt like the time went by so fast, and I still wasn’t where I wanted to be by the time he reached this age. I had plans for life to look different. A better life, that I still don’t have, AND on top of that, I don’t think I fully enjoyed each stage of his life. I’ve been so focused on the next task, the next goal, that I never fully enjoyed the presence.
Now, of course, he is seeing me cry, and then I had to explain myself. After I explained to my child how I’m a sorry excuse of a mother who plans to do better, he said the sweetest thing to me.
Mama, I already have a good life.
Did I cry some more? Yes, hysterical. And I’m about to cry now typing this. My sweet baby isn’t a baby anymore.
The Reality Check
Everything I have done from when I found out I was pregnant to now has been done with him in mind. I worked harder so I could provide for him, and ended up trading my time with him that I can’t get back. Not that I didn’t do anything with him, but I was almost rushing through them, or on some occasions, too tired to do them.
Since leaving the Retreat, I’ve been seeing the characteristics of mine that I once considered strong, positive traits more as hindrances. I’ve lost my way. I shared a bit about that in my last post.
You can read it here:
Control Freak . . .Part 1
It’s been a while since I last made a post, but I am here to catch you up on all the things that I have recently relearned about myself and life in general.
I talked about all the new things I want to do to live a more restful life and allow Jesus to take the heavy load of my life off me. That way, I can enjoy the simpler things in life. The first thing being my sugaaaa!!! I want to spend more time with him. More intentional and unhurried time. I have already started making more room in my life for more time with him moving forward, and especially over this upcoming summer break, and I’m really excited about it.
Admiring My Son
If you have ever met me, you know that he is the center of my life, and my whole world revolves around him. He is the sweetest, kindest, coolest kid I know. I am so proud of him. He has accomplished so much in life, and he does it so easily. Never worried, always confident, just vibing and walking in God’s favor. I want to be him when I grow up. I want to give him everything he has ever asked for because he deserves it (I just about lost my cool two days ago over his presents that won’t be here on time. BUT... It’s fine... that’s in Control Freak Part 2.).
I also LOVE our relationship. I love that he feels safe enough to be honest with me about his feelings and what he has going on in his world. I love that he allows me to ask him fifty million questions and he answers all of them—the serious and ridiculous. I never want it to change, and I now fully understand that my busyness is putting it at risk.
He’s My Teacher Too
I am a better person because of him, and I am so thankful that God allowed me to be his mama. Even though it’s not a child's job to teach you anything, he has taught me quite a few things. He has taught me not to be so serious. To laugh at myself. To be slower to speak and quicker to listen. To give more grace. To forgive quicker. And all the other things he has mastered all on his own.
Five Good Things and “At Least I’m Nots”
Every morning I ask him to tell me five good things about his life currently, and for two at least I’m nots. I can always see the things he cares most about, and it’s nice to see he is focused on some not-so-serious things. I think I often worry about what goes on in his life due to working with teen girls around his age. They sometimes have some really hard lives and are having to deal with serious issues; kids should never have to. It’s a blessing to see where his thoughts always are. Some of his repeats are the following:
Football is coming/tryout coming (any variation about football)
I’m in the car with you
I get to see family/saw family
I don’t have to ride the bus
No school
Birthday Breakfast Q&A (Year Twelve Edition)
This morning, I took him to breakfast at Waffle House (our spot because he loves it). And this time I asked some different questions—ones I’ve asked him at the start of each new year of life and school year. Questions to help him reflect on the past and get excited for what’s ahead. Here’s how it went:
How does it feel to officially be twelve years old?
Uh, I feel the same. I don’t feel different.
What was your favorite memory from year eleven?
There’s a lot. Um… when we went on the trip to Washington, D.C.
What is something you want to do differently in year twelve?
Maybe spend more time with my family. I feel like I did, but just not as much as in past years.
What did you enjoy most about being eleven years old?
The fact that I can do a lot more stuff that I couldn’t do.
What are two things you want to do in year twelve?
Hang out with friends more. That’s all I got right now.
What was the biggest lesson you learned in year eleven?
Probably to never give up when things get super tough.
What is something you want to get better at in the next year?
Listening to people, communicating, and stuff like that. And football.
Name a funny thing that happened this year.
When me and Kaylen were playing football on the concrete. We both said we had it, jumped for the ball, it hit the ground, I hit the ground, and he stayed up. We laughed about that for weeks.
How would you describe year eleven of your life?
Funny. Cool. Yeah.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A professional athlete.
Who is someone you looked up to this year? Why?
A guy named C***** on the football team. He plays my position. Helped me during tryouts. Nice guy. I still talk to him in the hallways.
What’s your hype song this year?
Million Dollar Baby.
What’s something you say a lot?
Twin.
What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
My work ethic.
Is there anything I can do to make life better or more special in the next year?
Uhh… no.
It’s always fun to learn more about what’s going on in his world.
Looking Ahead
Since coming back from the Retreat, I’ve been made aware that the way I have operated the last twelve years, even though it was in love, could eventually lead to a breakdown in our parent-child relationship, and I plan to make those changes and keep them. For now, I’m just excited to see where year twelve takes him.
I’m praying for protection over his mind, heart, spirit, and physical being. I’m praying his confidence in himself never wavers. His love and desire to learn more about Jesus continues to grow. That he remembers how loved he truly is. That the opinions of others never discourage or deter him. That his name is in rooms that he never imagined and that he goes further in life than he could ever dream. I pray that he remains humble and remains the guy who’s always willing to help. I pray that he trusts God with his life more than I currently do myself. I pray that he always feels safe enough to come to me with anything. I pray his faith is bigger than mine!
P.S. Want More of My Story?
I share more of my story—especially the parts that shaped me as a mother and a woman—in the book Deserts to Mountaintops. It’s a collection of powerful, raw stories from women who’ve turned pain into purpose.
You can grab your copy here: https://a.co/d/hrCcJ1v